new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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