1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
