see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
