I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
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Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
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When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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