he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
