I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
