I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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