Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
