He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
