I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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