Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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