So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
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She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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