just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
