I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
