I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We left an ass print on the piano.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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