In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
