I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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