I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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