she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
