Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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