it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
