so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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