I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
