why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
