Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
