Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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