Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
and you fell through a lawn chair
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
