also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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