I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
