Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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