I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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