like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
