There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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