Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
