I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize