FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
