How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
