i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
