I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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