I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
there is glitter all over my balls
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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