you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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