Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
