I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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