I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
