mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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