Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
