woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
even my farts smell like vagina
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
They have beer where we have blood.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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