The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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