i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
