I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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