I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
