Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
