I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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