My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
