Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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